9 American Habits That Made Me The Expat No One Wanted To Talk To

I Wasn’t Being Ignored. I Was Just Doing Everything Wrong.

Think You’re Just Being Polite? These Habits Might Be the Reason No One’s Connecting With You Overseas.

I thought I was crushing it.

Smiling at strangers in Ukraine. 

Making polite small talk in Spanish cafés. 

Offering to help an old woman with her bags off the Metro in Kyiv, and getting a look like I was about to mug her.

I’d lived, worked, and wandered across a dozen countries, but somehow I still felt like an invisible extra in someone else’s movie.

Not rejected. Just… unnoticed.

In Ukraine, I blamed my lack of Russian. In France, my informality. In Albania, cultural differences. 

In Spain, I figured everyone was just too relaxed to bother.

Then one day in Kyiv, over coffee, my ex-girlfriend looked me dead in the eye and said,

“You’re trying to be liked. Try being real.”

That landed harder than a double shot of vodka.

Turns out I’d been dragging my American social programming into every room like a suitcase I refused to check.

I wasn’t showing up.

I was performing.

And no one was clapping.

I thought I was building connection. Turns out, I was building walls.

These 9 habits didn’t make me approachable. Instead, they pushed people away.

Chances are, you’re doing them too without even realizing it.

Drop them, and everything changes. 

Here’s how I did it and you can too.

1. Oversmiling Looks Insincere, Not Friendly

In the U.S., we smile like it’s part of the job description. Elevator? Smile. Passing a stranger? Smile.

Ordering a coffee? Smile like your tip depends on it.

Then I moved abroad.

In Kyiv, I smiled at a woman behind the bread counter.

She looked at me like I’d just handed her a ticking bomb.

No smile back. No nod. Just a squint that said, “What’s your scam, Johnny foreigner?”

A Ukrainian friend later told me, “We smile when there’s a reason. You smile like you’re on the run.”

Fair point.

In places like Albania, Georgia, and Bulgaria, smiling without context doesn’t say “friendly.”

It says “fake.” Or worse, “sales pitch or scam.” 

Sometimes one and the same.

Here’s the Fix: Stop cheesing like you’re on a used car lot.

Ditch the autopilot smile and let warmth show up through your presence, not your teeth.

2. Overexplaining Signals a Lack of Trust

In Spain, all I had to do was say “No, thanks” to a second helping.

Instead, I launched into a full ordeal about my late lunch, intermittent fasting, and fear of being rude in either direction.

By the end, my host looked like she regretted inviting me, and possibly humanity in general.

Here’s the deal: Americans can’t just say no.

We need a PowerPoint, a backstory, and emotional context.

But in places like Georgia, Spain or Ukraine that doesn’t read as polite.

It reads as panic.

Here’s the Fix: If your “no” needs a TED Talk to support it, it’s not confidence.

Just say what you mean. Then stop talking.

3. Trying Too Hard to Relate Comes Off as Self-Centered

In France, someone told me their luggage got lost, so they wore their sister’s clothes for three days.

Instead of just saying, “That sucks,” I fired back with my Kyiv customs saga, teaching class in jeans and a tourist tee that screamed “Ukraine: Not Russia.”

I thought I was connecting. Really, I was trying to steal the show.

Turns out, trying to relate is often just grabbing the mic like it’s your turn again.

Not empathy. Just bad timing.

I ran this bit across Europe, cafés in Tbilisi, bars in Spain, Irish pubs.

I was still interrupting.

Here’s the Fix: You don’t need to match their story. Just stay in it.

Listening is the new power move.

4. Joking Too Quickly Masks Discomfort, Not Confidence

In Albania, I showed up to a dinner loaded with homemade rakija and enough burek to bury a man.

Nervous, I cracked, “Wow, this feels like the last meal before bad news.”

Silence.

One guy looked genuinely worried.

I wasn’t being edgy. I was being American, using humor to break the ice.

But abroad, that kind of nervous-joking lands less “funny expat” and more “possible threat.”

In places like Ukraine or Georgia, they don’t laugh with strangers.

They laugh after they know you won’t rob them.

Here’s the Fix: If your first instinct is to joke, ask yourself, “are you being funny, or just afraid?”

Earn the room before you try to entertain it.

5. Politeness Over Directness Causes Confusion

In Ireland, I asked a friend if we could “maybe, possibly” have dinner “a bit earlier”, but “only if it wasn’t too much trouble.”

She blinked and said, “Do you want to or not?”

Fair.

In Poland and Ukraine, clarity = respect.

In the U.S., we wrap everything in disclaimers and wonder why no one gets us.

In Bulgaria, I told a landlord I’d “think about it.” He gave the apartment to someone who didn’t.

Here’s the Fix: Be kind, not wishy washy.

Vague won’t spare you awkwardness, it’ll just make you look indecisive and lose the flat.

6. Staying Busy Is Just Avoiding Intimacy

When I first moved to France, I built a spreadsheet so packed it needed its own visa.

Museum tours, language classes, weekend getaways, even “solo reflection time” had a slot.

And still, I felt completely alone.

Turns out, being busy wasn’t helping me connect. It was helping me hide. To everyone else, I just looked unavailable, like I was too booked to care.

In Spain, a friend asked, “Why do you have to plan free time?”

No idea. Still don’t.

Here’s the Fix: Connection doesn’t chase a full calendar. Leave space.

That’s where people show up.

7. Avoiding Silence Means Avoiding Depth

I used to treat silence like it was a ticking bomb.

Especially in Ukraine.

If no one was talking, I assumed I had done something wrong and launched into filler talk.

Bad weather jokes. Random observations.

Once, I started reading a street sign out loud just to kill the silence.

People stared.

What I didn’t realize is that in many cultures, silence isn’t uncomfortable.

It’s respectful.

It’s presence.

It means people trust you enough not to fill every second with noise.

A friend in France once told me, “If you can sit in silence with someone, you’ve really arrived.” That one hit.

Here’s the Fix: Silence isn’t something to escape. It’s something to earn.

Learn to sit in it without scrambling for sound.

8. Centering Myself in Conversations Killed Curiosity

In Spain, someone opened up about getting scammed out of a deposit.

My brain immediately fired up a matching story from Georgia, and I launched right into it.

By the time I was done, I realized they’d gone quiet.

And we never circled back to “their” story.

It wasn’t that I was trying to one-up them. I genuinely thought I was connecting.

But all I did was shift the attention.

Again.

It’s a hard habit to break, especially when you’re used to American-style back-and-forth.

But connection isn’t always conversational tennis.

Sometimes it’s just holding the ball.

Here’s the Fix: Ask more. Talk less.

Let people linger in their own story before you jump in with yours.

9. The One Habit That Changed Everything

Letting go of these habits didn’t happen all at once. They peeled off slowly, like layers of a personality I thought I needed to have.

I stopped trying to be charming.

Or efficient. Or impressive.

I stopped trying to “translate” myself for every room.

And that’s when people started seeing me, not the version I thought they wanted, but the real me.

I was no longer the American expat trying to assimilate.

I was just… a guy having coffee in Georgia.

Walking to the metro in Kyiv.

Getting lost in a conversation in France.

And people responded. Not because I was doing anything better.

But because I had finally stopped performing.

Here’s the Fix: You don’t need to become someone else to belong abroad.

You just need to stop pretending you’re not already enough.

Want Real Connection Abroad? Stop Being So Damn American About It

Here’s the truth: I didn’t feel isolated abroad because people didn’t like me. I felt isolated because I kept leading with everything but me.

Smiling too hard. Explaining too much. Trying too often.

I wasn’t building bridges. I was building barriers.

Letting go of those habits wasn’t easy. But it was necessary.

And the moment I stopped trying to be accepted, I finally was.

It’s Your Turn

What American habit did you have to let go of to finally connect abroad?

What did it cost you to hold on too long?